Through out my life, God has set me free from a lot of things. But during the times I went back on the Lord there was something that I always struggled with. I was addicted to pornography…
But I’m a girl, they don’t struggle with porn. (sarcasm intended)
It was because of that stigma that I never told anyone about what I was struggling with. I was too ashamed. So I kept it my little secret.
I was introduced to porn at a young age. I was still a child when one of my abusers showed it to me for the first time. The other man that hurt me, porn has consumed him and destroyed his marriage and family. When I was 16 and 17 I got involved with a guy that was also addicted to pornography. He also tried to draw me deeper into that lifestyle. For something considered a “hidden sin” it wasn’t very hidden in my life. I’m not blaming any of them for the addiction I had, I’m the one that let those claws sink into me.
Porn consumed me. I would “binge” on it. Staying up till four in the morning watching it, only to turn it back on as soon as I woke up. I would avoid spending time with friends and family, just so I could be alone to watch it. There would be times that it was no longer enjoyable to watch but I just couldn’t stop. It was a very strong, stronghold in my life.
Porn made me feel disgusting. I would repent just to fall right back into that same sin. I remember crying on more than one occasion saying, “God, I don’t want to be this person.” or “God I would understand if you didn’t want to have anything else to do with me.”
I remember one time sitting there about to turn it on to watch and saying “God I’m sorry I’m like this.” I heard the voice of the Lord whisper to me and it made me freeze, He said “I have something better for you.”
God does have something that is so much better for us then pornography. It destroys and twist what God has meant to be beautiful and turns it into a dark source of bondage. In a way it was easy for me to have an excuse to watch it. I would think “It can’t mess me up more than I already am.” In a way I relived my abuse through those videos, in the types of movies that I would watch the girl couldn’t enjoy what was happening to her, it had to be forced. It had to hurt her and she was never in control. Whenever I turned it off I would cry myself to sleep at night. I would feel like the scum of the earth for even taking part in that by watching it.
I felt too far gone to ever break free from this. I would go to church just to beg God to take that part of me out that desired that. I struggled with this alone because people don’t address the fact that girls face some of the same battles that guys do.
So I decided to sit down and write about this struggle I’ve dealt with in my life. With the hope that if there is another girl that is right where I was, that she won’t feel alone.
- I don’t need to tell you all the things wrong with porn, you already know. I always knew but knowing didn’t set me free
The last thing I needed was someone reminding me what a filthy, disgusting sinner I was. I already knew that, I needed to be reminded that there is HOPE! We are never too far gone, too deep into a sin that God can’t redeem us from it.
I want you to know that you are NOT disgusting!
“For ALL have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23 (KJV)
You are not alone in this temptation. Jesus himself was tempted in every manor such as us, yet overcame that temptation.
“For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like we are, yet without sin.” Romans 4:15 (KJV)
That verse gives me so much hope. He understands. When He walked on this earth, He was both fully God and fully man. Jesus knows the struggle of sexual temptation but because he overcame…so can we!
“For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succor them that are tempted.” Romans 2:18 (KJV)
Do you know what “Succor” means? it means to assistance and support in times of hardship and distress. God doesn’t just sit up in heaven and hope we don’t fall into temptation and sin. But during those times when the devil is coming at you from every angle, if we call out to God He will “succor” us. The Bible says God will make a way of escape for us.
“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 (KJV)
I’m not here to tear you down because of your sin but to lift up the one that sets free from sin, addictions and shame. God says if I be lifted up I will draw all men unto me.
If you are struggling with pornography and you feel like you are too far into this pit and you can never get out of it, this is me reaching out my hand to you, saying, “Look up, there is hope! I have been in that same pit, let me show you the one that rescued me!”